How Did I Become An Attachment Parent?

I really didn't mean for this to happen and I still argue the point to myself most days, but I cannot deny that the pillars that prop up our daily routine very much resemble an attachment parenting style.

It's not how I was raised.

It's not how parenthood and childcare were modeled for me.

I still disagree that it's the only way to parent young children.

But it works. Our children, disability aside, seem to be happy, bonded and well-adjusted kids. We actually just fell into it because the attachment model is what J Boy responded to when he didn't respond to much else. When your kid doesn't talk so much as occasionally scream in protest, you tend to respond quickly to his needs. When he doesn't respond to the sound of your voice, or sing songs with you, show you the kitty in his book, roll a ball to you or greet you at the door, I think most of us special needs parents naturally shower our kids with loving touch, one-sided praise and physical proximity to encourage a bond that seems anemic.

By the time J Girl was born, her brother had been moved to his own bedroom and he moved himself back. We decided he could stay.

J Girl had the benefit of extended nursing, babywearing and co-sleeping herself. There was no agenda as I found myself doing these things, it just made my life easier to put her in a sling, to nurse her until she didn't need it anymore and to share a bed with her. For safety's sake, I put her to bed in her crib every night and moved with her to J Boy's abandoned double bed when it came time for her feeding in the middle of the night. 

Now that J Boy is becoming a more social creature, I really think it's thanks to our habit of keeping him close and being super ( and some would say overly) attentive to his needs, desires and fears. Am I saying it works for all children? Absolutely not. Some kids need a lovingly firm hand and strong boundaries once they progress past infancy --- his sister is a force of nature and is now learning that the other members of the family have rights she can't trample over.

What I am saying is that having preconceived notions of how to be a good parent is folly; you don't know how to parent a kid until you have him and his own little bundle of neurosis and sensitivities to manage. I know I have friends who judge us for co-sleeping, for not setting a hard line with J Boy's diet and a whole list of other things we let him take the lead on, but guess what? THEY DON'T HAVE KIDS. Better yet, they don't know any other special needs kids besides J Boy. To arbitrarily say that all kids should learn to be independent is objectifying them and that was the foot I started with when he was born. Now I find myself doing a quick one-two step between kids and they seem, for now, to be doing fine.